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If I sail to farthest seas
Will you find, and firm, and gather
Till I only dwell in Thee
If I flee from greenest pastures
Would You leave to look for me
Forfeit glory to come after
Till I only dwell in Thee
If my heart has one ambition
If my soul one goal to seek
This my solitary vision
Till I only dwell in Thee
That I only dwell in Thee
Till I only dwell in Thee"
- Hymn by Brooke Fraser
Sometimes I love being alone. Like today - sitting by myself at a table typing, not a single person I know is here - only strangers at adjacent tables, giggling high school volleyball team, fellow typing colleagues, clanking dishes. Or even in the morning when I wake up and sip hot coffee to the tunes of my favorite singers and read. Or in the car as I run errands and shop without little tag-along's and I'm so productive on my own. I like the quiet and sometimes I even love sitting alone in the dark on my couch just to BE. One desperate night I went for a walk in the cold rain because it was the only space I could find to let my pain out and let the Lord in. Sometimes I love being alone.
And sometimes loneliness is terrible. And you ask, "How can you be lonely when there are so many people around you?" And I agree that your question is valid. If you find the answer, would you teach me?
The other day I texted a dear friend to ask if she ever felt that way too. One word she offered, but it was all I needed. "Often"
To be honest, most of my feelings don't make much sense. They are not often based on fact or truth, but I still feel, and still wonder. Still chide myself for discontent.
Thank the Lord for perspective and Truth. Truth be told I'm not alone. I have many so near who love and care. Many to hug and to hold, to talk and to listen. I can text or call, even. And usually when I remind myself of the truth the loneliness fades. I stop chiding after a few minutes and choose to be thankful. Friends and family are God's graces, and I really do have so many.
But on occasion, the void persists.
Today a breakthrough, a light bulb, a revelation: on occasion He allows the void to persist so I'll turn my face full to Him alone. So He can fill all of my empty and lonely places with His presence and love only, and so I can remember again on Whom I really, truly, honestly, factually depend.
"GOD is our Refuge and Strength [mighty and impenetrable to temptation], a very present and well-provided help in trouble . . . Let be and be still, and know (recognize and understand) that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations! I will be exalted in the earth! The Lord of hosts is with us . . ." - Psalm 46:1, 10-11a (Amp.)
Lord, I'm Yours again today. Jesus I know You can fill me with Your presence and that will be more than enough company and companionship than I could ever need. You are so amazing, Lord. I'm so thankful for my friends and family, and I know You give them to me to bless me and for me to bless them. But You ... oh You are so wonderful. Your voice is so sweet, Your touch so gentle. Let me stay here at Your feet forever.
[Partial re-post]
Robin you wrote that some people wonder how you can be "alone with all these people around?" It's very easy. When we don't feel free to share who we really are, to expose our heart, dreams, disappointments and fears then we feel all alone in them even in a crowd. We were made for intimacy. But to have intimacy we must have trust and some of us have had experiences that teach us not to trust. When we have opened up and shared our feelings and have been invalidated we don't feel safe to share. Consequently the loneliness closes in all the more.
ReplyDeleteThanks, for that wisdom, Angela. I agree that intimacy is vital and trust comes first. I suppose the problem would be then, allowing ourselves to attempt vulnerability and hopefully using God's wisdom to show us who is trustworthy. Maybe I've been burned a few too many times, or maybe I've burned myself or others too, but I'm thankful for the faithful people God has put in my life, and I know love covers so many wrongs - intentional or not. I hope I can allow God's presence into my heart so much that He can heal those old wounds and help me take down the walls around my heart that can prevent intimacy and trust. Thanks for sharing - I love you and miss you tons!!
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